Post by Manticore on Jan 1, 2010 17:53:50 GMT -5
Last night...
I went out to a nightclub in Birmingham with some friends to celebrate New Year. Unusually, for this time of year, I was sober; well, I was feeling particularly miserly; and I spent most of the night cracking bad jokes. For example:
Me: 'So, let's get the worst joke of the night out of the way: Is Propaganda the name of a support for one-legged male geese?' (The nightclub was called "Propaganda".)
Big Tom: 'Get out.'
Carpo: (Laughing) 'That was pretty bad, Rich.'
Me: (Sarcastically) 'You look like you're enjoying yourself, Nikki.'
Nikki: (She smiled and muttered something garbled and incomprehensible.)
Carpo: 'No, I think she's drunk, Rich.'
Me: 'Yes. That was the joke, you poltroon!' (Of course, I was joking with him; I wouldn't call someone a poltroon if I actually wanted to insult them.)
And:
Kylie: 'You're walking home? Why?'
Pell: 'Because they're all f**king mental, that's why.'
Dan: 'Pretty much, yeah.'
Big Tom: 'We may be mental, but we're also men; we like to do manly things, like this.'
Me: 'They're a part of the League of Mentalmen, you know?'
Dan: (Laughing) 'Yeah, that was pretty good, by your standards, Rich.'
Me: (Sotto voce) 'No it wasn't. And anyway, why do you always sound so surprised when I tell a funny joke?'
Dan: 'Because it doesn't happen very often!'
If you listened to any of my friends you'd believe that I have the sex life of the Gods. They talk about me as if I was some kind of bizarre hybrid of Giacomo Casanova and Chuck Norris. I'm fairly sure that this is meant sarcastically; but I don't think it's meant mean-spiritedly; it's just that they think the incongruity between the strait-laced and nervous young man I am in real life and the rakish, lady-killing lothario that only exists in their imagination is just too hilarious for words.
So:
Carpo: 'And this is Rich, the Sex Machine. Careful, ladies- he can get you pregnant just by looking at you!'
Big Tom: 'Ooh no. I don't want to go through that again.'
Me: 'I wish my life was even half as exciting as you make it out to be.'
Dan: 'But it is though; you're the Sex Machine!' (As an aside) 'He's just being modest.'
Carpo: 'So, how do I look?'
Rache: 'I think you look alright.'
Me: (I decided to play along with it) 'Well it can't do any harm to my already inflated reputation, so let me say to you that, as the "Sex Machine", I think you're gorgeous.'
Carpo: 'Is this going to be like that time in Munich again?'
Rache: 'What happened in Munich?'
Carpo: 'I had to share a room with him and every morning I'd wake up and he'd be in my bed spooning me and I'd have to say "Rich, get in your own bed" but he was just insatiable.'
Me: 'Except that never actually happened, Carpo. It was just your wishful thinking.'
But last night the usual games of friendly ribaldry and insult-throwing had a surprising conclusion:
Carpo: 'Rich, you Sex Machine! You've had three girls come up and kiss you tonight- you were the first to get kissed at midnight- that is what we in the trade call a "result".'
Me: 'Yeah, but she was so drunk that she couldn't tell the difference.'
Carpo: 'So that's why she came up and kissed you twice?'
Me: 'Probably. She was wasted.'
Carpo: (Sarcastically) 'What about the other girls?'
Me: 'I don't think they were really interested.'
Carpo: 'Oh yeah? What about that girl who kept on poking you? That's a sign- you should've gone for it, Rich- she wanted you now!'
Me: 'Well, pardon me for my scepticism- you seem to think that everything any woman ever does is a sign that she "wants me now".'
Carpo: 'That because it does!' (He sighed) 'Man, you've been way more successful than I have, tonight.'
If you think any of my dialogue in this account is oddly stilted, well... my friends think the same thing. I was speaking to Dan over the phone. I had to hand over to Carpo and seconds later I heard them laughing, which made me paranoid.
So:
Me: 'Why were you laughing earlier? Is it because you think my telephone manner is really strange and formal?'
Dan: (Guiltily) 'Maybe.'
And:
Carpo: 'I've gotta say: we like those ansaphone messages you leave us whenever you can't get hold of us. I met Dan the other day and he insisted on playing one of them back to me. It was great. Almost lyrical!'
Me: 'Uh... well, at least I try.'
Carpo: 'Yeah, well, we're glad to hear from you, you know that.'
I'm pleased to say that I behaved myself and I acted like a gentleman. I wasn't as cold as I was afraid I would be: so I lent my coat to Rache when she was freezing, in the queue. And later, I let Newby have it when he was cold. I didn't need it: in fact, I felt somewhat overdressed.
Woman: (I didn't know her- I think she was one of Nikki's friends.) 'Why are you wearing a waistcoat?'
Me: 'I like it.'
Woman: (Laughs)
Me: (Somewhat hurt) 'I happen to think it makes me look debonair.'
Woman: 'Yeah right.'
And later on we got a taxi back to Kylie's house where I was sharing a small room with Carpo, Newby, Joe and Pell. We were all crammed together on two camp beds. It went something like this:
Newby: 'Why've you taken your shirt off- My god you've got a hairy chest!'
Pell: (Grinning, he got into bed)
Joe: 'I'm sorry guys- this is just too uncomfortable- I'm going to go down and sleep on the sofa.'
Newby: 'Joe, you're the last person I'd ever have expected to be homophobic!'
Joe: (Sigh) 'No- I just can't sleep wedged in between two mattresses like this- it's really uncomfortable.'
Newby: 'I didn't realise that there were mattresses; I thought the hard, hairy stuff we were sleeping on was Pell.'
Pell: 'Hey!'
(A small scuffle broke out, Joe walked out of the room, and Newby embarked on a lengthy monologue where he was speculating about Joe's sexual proclivities. I can't remember most of it, but it ended up like this:
Newby: 'Mind you we've never seen any evidence that Joe is heterosexual.'
Carpo: 'I think his girlfriends might have something to say about that.' (Reminiscing) 'I've never known anyone to get off with so many girls as Joe. I don't know how he does it.'
Pell: 'Must be animal magnetism.'
Newby: 'Er, that's not what I meant... hang on...'
Newby: 'Can I just say, this is really homoerotic.'
Carpo: 'Yes. I'm glad you said that. We still need to decide who's going to spoon who.'
Newby: (Thoughtfully) 'I'll be big spoon.'
Pell: 'You're wooden spoon, you f**king plank.'
Newby: (Ludicrously extending his metaphors) 'And Rich- you can be teaspoon- or would you prefer to be dessert spoon?'
Me: (I was silent. Trying to get some sleep.)
Carpo: (Shaking with laughter) 'This is the gayest thing I've ever done...'
Pell: 'Can you just shut up? I'm trying to sleep.'
And that was how I came to spend the rest of the night in bed with three other men.
It was a good night! ;D
I went out to a nightclub in Birmingham with some friends to celebrate New Year. Unusually, for this time of year, I was sober; well, I was feeling particularly miserly; and I spent most of the night cracking bad jokes. For example:
Me: 'So, let's get the worst joke of the night out of the way: Is Propaganda the name of a support for one-legged male geese?' (The nightclub was called "Propaganda".)
Big Tom: 'Get out.'
Carpo: (Laughing) 'That was pretty bad, Rich.'
Me: (Sarcastically) 'You look like you're enjoying yourself, Nikki.'
Nikki: (She smiled and muttered something garbled and incomprehensible.)
Carpo: 'No, I think she's drunk, Rich.'
Me: 'Yes. That was the joke, you poltroon!' (Of course, I was joking with him; I wouldn't call someone a poltroon if I actually wanted to insult them.)
And:
Kylie: 'You're walking home? Why?'
Pell: 'Because they're all f**king mental, that's why.'
Dan: 'Pretty much, yeah.'
Big Tom: 'We may be mental, but we're also men; we like to do manly things, like this.'
Me: 'They're a part of the League of Mentalmen, you know?'
Dan: (Laughing) 'Yeah, that was pretty good, by your standards, Rich.'
Me: (Sotto voce) 'No it wasn't. And anyway, why do you always sound so surprised when I tell a funny joke?'
Dan: 'Because it doesn't happen very often!'
If you listened to any of my friends you'd believe that I have the sex life of the Gods. They talk about me as if I was some kind of bizarre hybrid of Giacomo Casanova and Chuck Norris. I'm fairly sure that this is meant sarcastically; but I don't think it's meant mean-spiritedly; it's just that they think the incongruity between the strait-laced and nervous young man I am in real life and the rakish, lady-killing lothario that only exists in their imagination is just too hilarious for words.
So:
Carpo: 'And this is Rich, the Sex Machine. Careful, ladies- he can get you pregnant just by looking at you!'
Big Tom: 'Ooh no. I don't want to go through that again.'
Me: 'I wish my life was even half as exciting as you make it out to be.'
Dan: 'But it is though; you're the Sex Machine!' (As an aside) 'He's just being modest.'
Carpo: 'So, how do I look?'
Rache: 'I think you look alright.'
Me: (I decided to play along with it) 'Well it can't do any harm to my already inflated reputation, so let me say to you that, as the "Sex Machine", I think you're gorgeous.'
Carpo: 'Is this going to be like that time in Munich again?'
Rache: 'What happened in Munich?'
Carpo: 'I had to share a room with him and every morning I'd wake up and he'd be in my bed spooning me and I'd have to say "Rich, get in your own bed" but he was just insatiable.'
Me: 'Except that never actually happened, Carpo. It was just your wishful thinking.'
But last night the usual games of friendly ribaldry and insult-throwing had a surprising conclusion:
Carpo: 'Rich, you Sex Machine! You've had three girls come up and kiss you tonight- you were the first to get kissed at midnight- that is what we in the trade call a "result".'
Me: 'Yeah, but she was so drunk that she couldn't tell the difference.'
Carpo: 'So that's why she came up and kissed you twice?'
Me: 'Probably. She was wasted.'
Carpo: (Sarcastically) 'What about the other girls?'
Me: 'I don't think they were really interested.'
Carpo: 'Oh yeah? What about that girl who kept on poking you? That's a sign- you should've gone for it, Rich- she wanted you now!'
Me: 'Well, pardon me for my scepticism- you seem to think that everything any woman ever does is a sign that she "wants me now".'
Carpo: 'That because it does!' (He sighed) 'Man, you've been way more successful than I have, tonight.'
If you think any of my dialogue in this account is oddly stilted, well... my friends think the same thing. I was speaking to Dan over the phone. I had to hand over to Carpo and seconds later I heard them laughing, which made me paranoid.
So:
Me: 'Why were you laughing earlier? Is it because you think my telephone manner is really strange and formal?'
Dan: (Guiltily) 'Maybe.'
And:
Carpo: 'I've gotta say: we like those ansaphone messages you leave us whenever you can't get hold of us. I met Dan the other day and he insisted on playing one of them back to me. It was great. Almost lyrical!'
Me: 'Uh... well, at least I try.'
Carpo: 'Yeah, well, we're glad to hear from you, you know that.'
I'm pleased to say that I behaved myself and I acted like a gentleman. I wasn't as cold as I was afraid I would be: so I lent my coat to Rache when she was freezing, in the queue. And later, I let Newby have it when he was cold. I didn't need it: in fact, I felt somewhat overdressed.
Woman: (I didn't know her- I think she was one of Nikki's friends.) 'Why are you wearing a waistcoat?'
Me: 'I like it.'
Woman: (Laughs)
Me: (Somewhat hurt) 'I happen to think it makes me look debonair.'
Woman: 'Yeah right.'
And later on we got a taxi back to Kylie's house where I was sharing a small room with Carpo, Newby, Joe and Pell. We were all crammed together on two camp beds. It went something like this:
Newby: 'Why've you taken your shirt off- My god you've got a hairy chest!'
Pell: (Grinning, he got into bed)
Joe: 'I'm sorry guys- this is just too uncomfortable- I'm going to go down and sleep on the sofa.'
Newby: 'Joe, you're the last person I'd ever have expected to be homophobic!'
Joe: (Sigh) 'No- I just can't sleep wedged in between two mattresses like this- it's really uncomfortable.'
Newby: 'I didn't realise that there were mattresses; I thought the hard, hairy stuff we were sleeping on was Pell.'
Pell: 'Hey!'
(A small scuffle broke out, Joe walked out of the room, and Newby embarked on a lengthy monologue where he was speculating about Joe's sexual proclivities. I can't remember most of it, but it ended up like this:
Newby: 'Mind you we've never seen any evidence that Joe is heterosexual.'
Carpo: 'I think his girlfriends might have something to say about that.' (Reminiscing) 'I've never known anyone to get off with so many girls as Joe. I don't know how he does it.'
Pell: 'Must be animal magnetism.'
Newby: 'Er, that's not what I meant... hang on...'
Newby: 'Can I just say, this is really homoerotic.'
Carpo: 'Yes. I'm glad you said that. We still need to decide who's going to spoon who.'
Newby: (Thoughtfully) 'I'll be big spoon.'
Pell: 'You're wooden spoon, you f**king plank.'
Newby: (Ludicrously extending his metaphors) 'And Rich- you can be teaspoon- or would you prefer to be dessert spoon?'
Me: (I was silent. Trying to get some sleep.)
Carpo: (Shaking with laughter) 'This is the gayest thing I've ever done...'
Pell: 'Can you just shut up? I'm trying to sleep.'
And that was how I came to spend the rest of the night in bed with three other men.
It was a good night! ;D